you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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