just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
