What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
