sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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