Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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