just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It's never too late to be topless.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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