Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
