i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
