This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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