he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
