I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
