if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
