It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I skipped work to stalk him.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
