I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He did a backflip because drugs
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