I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
