i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
