i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
