I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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