I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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