it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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