i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
