Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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