about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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