Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
