I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
