Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I need a hoe opinion
go on
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
