If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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