he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
