We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
