I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
