It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
