I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
