Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
