My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
