my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
