I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
