nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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