Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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