he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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