No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
