so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
