Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
