You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
