Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
