please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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