the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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