4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
