I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
