just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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