i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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