i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I can't put those talents on a resume
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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